I am scared every day that I am going to leave my daughter without a mother. I say this because my mom passed away when I was 5 years old. You can see how this would give someone a complex. In my mind, moms die. So every time I get a headache or feel a weird pain in my neck, I think of my mom and freak out just a little bit. My mind goes places it shouldn't and that is that.
Also with not having a mom growing up, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I know every new mom feels that way but most of them have their moms to lean on. I don't.
Yes, I might just be feeling sorry for myself but I think that I am entitled to that after the life I have led. People say I am strong and that I can get through anything. But I wonder how strong I really am. Maybe I have just been making it through the best I can and now I am finally breaking. I have always had to be the strong one, the mature one, the one that remembers everything for everyone, when do I get a turn to just be?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sleep is over-rated, right?
Sleep?
What's that?
I mean, I used to know what that is...for 8 blissful hours I would lay in my bed and sleep. Now, I lay in my bed, hear a stir in the co-sleeper and think "No, not yet. Just go back to sleep please!" However, snuggling with a precious little baby even though I am exhausted is quite an amazing thing. I used to get my sleep and now I sit up feeding my daughter and realize how blessed I am.
Okay, maybe I am not there yet. But someday I will be :) Right?
What's that?
I mean, I used to know what that is...for 8 blissful hours I would lay in my bed and sleep. Now, I lay in my bed, hear a stir in the co-sleeper and think "No, not yet. Just go back to sleep please!" However, snuggling with a precious little baby even though I am exhausted is quite an amazing thing. I used to get my sleep and now I sit up feeding my daughter and realize how blessed I am.
Okay, maybe I am not there yet. But someday I will be :) Right?
Aren't we Catholics pro-family?
As I sat and read a blog written by a Catholic mother, I thought have how absurd some people are at Mass. As far as I have ever been told, we Catholics are supposed to be pro-life and therefore also pro-family. But as I sit at Mass, I notice all the glares people are giving parents for having a child that makes noise or won't sit still. I find it quite infuriating. Everyone has the right to be at Mass. That family might be exhausted from being up all night and really need the healing grace of Jesus in their life at that moment. They shouldn't feel like they need to sit in the cry room or jump up and run to the vestibule to stand by the cold door so people won't hear the cry.
I do appreciate Fr. Hersey so much when he hears a child cry. He searches for the child making the noise, looks right at the parents, and smiles! He loves having the children in the Church during Mass. He says it makes the Church feel alive. I mean those kids are our future as a church. And if they get the sense that they are not welcome, when they can make the decision, they won't come back.
Before I was a parent, I always wondered how parents could take their focus off of the Mass to "deal" with their children. And then I had Arianna. I find that her noises and her smiles just redirect my prayer to thankfulness which is what the Eucharist is all about.
So far as a new parent, I haven't felt the annoyance from anyone while having Arianna at Mass. I find that so many people just love seeing her. I mean, why wouldn't they, she is so adorable. And for the most part, she is usually a happy Mass goer. She likes the music and sometimes "sings" along. As soon as it gets quiet, she will yell to make sure everyone is still paying attention. She has received so many blessings from Fr. Hersey already. I love having my job because it means Arianna will grow up in the Church and I truly appreciate that since I didn't find the Church until I was in college.
I don't know if this really had a point other than how much I love my church and hope that people understand that children belong at Mass.
I do appreciate Fr. Hersey so much when he hears a child cry. He searches for the child making the noise, looks right at the parents, and smiles! He loves having the children in the Church during Mass. He says it makes the Church feel alive. I mean those kids are our future as a church. And if they get the sense that they are not welcome, when they can make the decision, they won't come back.
Before I was a parent, I always wondered how parents could take their focus off of the Mass to "deal" with their children. And then I had Arianna. I find that her noises and her smiles just redirect my prayer to thankfulness which is what the Eucharist is all about.
So far as a new parent, I haven't felt the annoyance from anyone while having Arianna at Mass. I find that so many people just love seeing her. I mean, why wouldn't they, she is so adorable. And for the most part, she is usually a happy Mass goer. She likes the music and sometimes "sings" along. As soon as it gets quiet, she will yell to make sure everyone is still paying attention. She has received so many blessings from Fr. Hersey already. I love having my job because it means Arianna will grow up in the Church and I truly appreciate that since I didn't find the Church until I was in college.
I don't know if this really had a point other than how much I love my church and hope that people understand that children belong at Mass.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Can I do it?
As I lay in bed this morning after waking, I wondered if I will be a good mom. I wonder if I will be able to handle all the things that little girls bring with them. I wonder if I will be able to be her rock. I say this only because my mom passed away when I was just in Kindergarten. Growing up, I only had my dad (and he did the best he could with raising a daughter)! I didn't get the mother-daughter time in the kitchen baking or in the bathroom doing make-up and hair. I grew up in the country exploring the dirt and the woods. My favorite toys were the fields filled with horses, sheep, chickens, cats, dogs, goats and the creek.
So I was always scared to have a daughter. And then God blessed me with Arianna. I swore she wouldn't be dressed in pink and have all the frilly dresses and hairbands that leave marks on her head. But she does and she is totally adorable in them. But now I lay here wondering if she will be able to learn all the earthly things she needs to in order to be at least somewhat popular in school. I wasn't. I mean I had friends but I most certainly wasn't in the in-crowd. But really all that isn't that important to me as a Catholic mom. I want to make sure she has a deeply grounded faith. I want her to be happy. I want her to wake up every morning with a smile. I want her to laugh all day. I want her to have love. And you know what...I have all of that in my life so I am sure she will.
But how do I teach her to not be of this earth? To not care about clothes, the newest toys, and all the wants that she will certainly have. This makes me miss Illinois. Back in Illinois, I have friends that are priests. Out here, we don't have that. We also don't have our family. But we do have a few very deep friendships and a great deal of deeply grounded Catholics. I am hoping that is enough. Of course, it is all up to God. He kept me safe from horrible earthly temptations with the sadness that fell on me as a child so I pray His Holy Spirit helps Carlos and I protect Arianna.
Which takes me to the next thought...I grew up with so many cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandparents. Arianna will not have that experience. Sure we have a few friendships out here that have turned into family but it isn't the same. Not like waking up on Labor Day weekend in Pana, going to Aunt Rita's house where all the aunts, uncles, and cousins will be for the parade, and having an impromptu family reunion. Carlos and I discuss the pros and cons for living here in Washington. I do love it. There is so much to do out here, the mountains, the ferry boats, fields of tulips, and so much more. But Illinois has our family.
Amazing what your mind thinks about at 5:00 in the morning.
So I was always scared to have a daughter. And then God blessed me with Arianna. I swore she wouldn't be dressed in pink and have all the frilly dresses and hairbands that leave marks on her head. But she does and she is totally adorable in them. But now I lay here wondering if she will be able to learn all the earthly things she needs to in order to be at least somewhat popular in school. I wasn't. I mean I had friends but I most certainly wasn't in the in-crowd. But really all that isn't that important to me as a Catholic mom. I want to make sure she has a deeply grounded faith. I want her to be happy. I want her to wake up every morning with a smile. I want her to laugh all day. I want her to have love. And you know what...I have all of that in my life so I am sure she will.
But how do I teach her to not be of this earth? To not care about clothes, the newest toys, and all the wants that she will certainly have. This makes me miss Illinois. Back in Illinois, I have friends that are priests. Out here, we don't have that. We also don't have our family. But we do have a few very deep friendships and a great deal of deeply grounded Catholics. I am hoping that is enough. Of course, it is all up to God. He kept me safe from horrible earthly temptations with the sadness that fell on me as a child so I pray His Holy Spirit helps Carlos and I protect Arianna.
Which takes me to the next thought...I grew up with so many cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandparents. Arianna will not have that experience. Sure we have a few friendships out here that have turned into family but it isn't the same. Not like waking up on Labor Day weekend in Pana, going to Aunt Rita's house where all the aunts, uncles, and cousins will be for the parade, and having an impromptu family reunion. Carlos and I discuss the pros and cons for living here in Washington. I do love it. There is so much to do out here, the mountains, the ferry boats, fields of tulips, and so much more. But Illinois has our family.
Amazing what your mind thinks about at 5:00 in the morning.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
4 months old
Arianna is 4 months old!
Arianna received her first blessing from a pope when Pope Francis was elected and blessed the world!
Arianna received her first blessing from a pope when Pope Francis was elected and blessed the world!
She got her feet washed at Holy Thursday Mass by Fr. Hersey.
Pushes up on her feet to standing position
Grabs at everything
Sticks everything in her mouth
Sits up with help.
Sits up with help.
She loves to stick out her tongue and watch others stick out theirs.
Got to play in her ExerSaucer for the first time!
Snow day!
Ooh, there is my rattle.
Looking cute in her purple tutu from Auntie Beth.
Fr. Hersey washing her precious feet.
Waiting for Holy Thursday Mass
Happy Easter!
Look at all my loot.
I like books!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
being a mom
I love being a mom, even on the days when Arianna is crying all day. Sure, those are more stressful because I would love it if she could just tell me what is wrong instead of showing me her tiny baby tears but that just isn't going to happen for a while. I love to stare at her sweet smile and enjoy so much when she does something new. Finding something to make her smile feels like such an accomplishment! The curiosity on her face when she finds her toes or a new toy. And now everything is going into her mouth! Teeth are on the way. I cannot believe how quickly she changes.
I am so thankful for her. I am reminded of these two quotes from the Bible:
For this child I have prayed and You have granted me my request. (Samuel 1:27)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4: 19)
I did pray for her. I prayed for her for a long time. When the Lord granted my prayer, I was so grateful. I thank Him every day for her. For her beautiful smile and laugh and her health. And even when she is having a rough day, I thank Him because she has totally changed my life.
Now on the weekends, I am just happy to be home, settled on the couch with my husband and baby. I am so excited for future outings like the zoo, science museums, and the beach. Going to parent-teacher conferences and joining the PTA sound like such fun. Being a mom has made me a better person. I feel like I have a reason to get up in the morning and enjoy my day. And I thank God every day for that blessing!
I am so thankful for her. I am reminded of these two quotes from the Bible:
For this child I have prayed and You have granted me my request. (Samuel 1:27)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4: 19)
I did pray for her. I prayed for her for a long time. When the Lord granted my prayer, I was so grateful. I thank Him every day for her. For her beautiful smile and laugh and her health. And even when she is having a rough day, I thank Him because she has totally changed my life.
Now on the weekends, I am just happy to be home, settled on the couch with my husband and baby. I am so excited for future outings like the zoo, science museums, and the beach. Going to parent-teacher conferences and joining the PTA sound like such fun. Being a mom has made me a better person. I feel like I have a reason to get up in the morning and enjoy my day. And I thank God every day for that blessing!
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