Can I do it?

As I lay in bed this morning after waking, I wondered if I will be a good mom. I wonder if I will be able to handle all the things that little girls bring with them.  I wonder if I will be able to be her rock.  I say this only because my mom passed away when I was just in Kindergarten.  Growing up, I only had my dad (and he did the best he could with raising a daughter)!  I didn't get the mother-daughter time in the kitchen baking or in the bathroom doing make-up and hair.  I grew up in the country exploring the dirt and the woods.  My favorite toys were the fields filled with horses, sheep, chickens, cats, dogs, goats and the creek.

So I was always scared to have a daughter. And then God blessed me with Arianna.  I swore she wouldn't be dressed in pink and have all the frilly dresses and hairbands that leave marks on her head. But she does and she is totally adorable in them.  But now I lay here wondering if she will be able to learn all the earthly things she needs to in order to be at least somewhat popular in school. I wasn't. I mean I had friends but I most certainly wasn't in the in-crowd.  But really all that isn't that important to me as a Catholic mom. I want to make sure she has a deeply grounded faith. I want her to be happy. I want her to wake up every morning with a smile. I want her to laugh all day. I want her to have love. And you know what...I have all of that in my life so I am sure she will.

But how do I teach her to not be of this earth? To not care about clothes, the newest toys, and all the wants that she will certainly have.  This makes me miss Illinois.  Back in Illinois, I have friends that are priests. Out here, we don't have that. We also don't have our family.  But we do have a few very deep friendships and a great deal of deeply grounded Catholics.  I am hoping that is enough. Of course, it is all up to God.  He kept me safe from horrible earthly temptations with the sadness that fell on me as a child so I pray His Holy Spirit helps Carlos and I protect Arianna.

Which takes me to the next thought...I grew up with so many cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandparents. Arianna will not have that experience.  Sure we have a few friendships out here that have turned into family but it isn't the same. Not like waking up on Labor Day weekend in Pana, going to Aunt Rita's house where all the aunts, uncles, and cousins will be for the parade, and having an impromptu family reunion.  Carlos and I discuss the pros and cons for living here in Washington.  I do love it. There is so much to do out here, the mountains, the ferry boats, fields of tulips, and so much more. But Illinois has our family.

Amazing what your mind thinks about at 5:00 in the morning.